This one isn’t going to be about games, and I’m ok with folks not reading. This is going to get into my life, some of my history with depression/anxiety, and why today I have things on my mind that preclude talking about gaming.
A year ago today, I was in a horrendously bad place. I don’t know how to convey that without getting into too much detail, except to say that my lifelong depression/anxiety issues had been dogging me hard for about five years. I had tried and failed to either get over or forgive myself for having been in an incredibly insane, incredibly toxic pseudo-relationship. (A story that ends, “…and then he went to prison.”) I knew I was all burnt out on retail, but I didn’t know exactly what to DO with that information, especially after failing to be hired on permanently for a factory job that seemed like it might suit for a while. I was unemployed, and self medicating with Mountain Dew, cigarettes, and mixed drinks. I’d long ago reached a point where I literally could not see how things could ever get better. At some point while trying to do the right thing, I’d clearly wandered down a pretty crappy path of no return.
A year ago today, I decided to try something different, just for a while. I would join an online support forum, drop my trio of crutches, and see if I really did have anything left in me or not. I started walking, and exercising, and trying to eat vaguely healthy food. Eventually, I started writing regularly for the first time in years. The experiment for a month or so turned into a full life reboot.
I’m in a much better place now. I have a soda every couple of months, but have left my other vices behind. I got a job that suits me better than retail ever did, and got back on medication that actually helps with my issues instead of helping me hide from them. As Blaugust shows, I got past my initial fear of writing again enough to keep plugging away at it. I feel happy most days, and the days that aren’t so great don’t hit as hard.
This blog is about gaming, not so much about my life. But when I look at myself now, I wish I could tell Past Me how much better things could be, how much better things WOULD be. People say that pretty often, and I know it doesn’t always help. Still, anyone reading this who’s hurting, no matter how sure you are that things will never be ok again, sometimes they really do get better. A lot can change in a year, or a month, or even a week; but you’ll only know if you hold on, and try, even when it seems pointless.
Game content again tomorrow, I promise!
Want to join in on #Blaugust? There’s still time! Visit the Blaugust Initiative page, and then head over to the Nook to get signed up and see what everyone else is up to
LFGryph 
Thank you for sharing this. It’s uplifting to know that things can get better. I’ve had my own struggles with depression and participating in Blaugust is an attempt to switch things up for the better
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Thank you, and I hope switching things up helps. It SUCKS to not see how to make things better, but just because you may not see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. That’s what I learned (again), anyway.
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I’ve found recently that you should write whatever you need to write about. If you deviate for a day because you need to talk about something important than that’s what you should write about.
I like the advice you give at the end, I just wish everyone who faces this could understand that (recently lost a friend to depression).
I’m glad to read that things have gotten better for you over the last year. Keep doing what you need to do. Having a support group to talk to is great, and I’m glad you were able to find people you could talk to.
Just don’t forget, this is your blog so just write what you need to write about. People, generally, can be very understanding and supportive. Anyone else isn’t worth listening to.
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I’m so sorry about your friend, that is so hard. It IS hard to understand while in the middle, I wish there was a way to make sure everyone came out the other side.
Thank you for your kind words. I think you’re right, trying to push away things I want to write about isn’t going to do me any good and might lead me to skip a post that could really matter. I’m blown away at the comments I’m seeing over this one, and very glad I decided to hit publish.
Thanks for reminding me that it’s ok to take time for topics that matter to me.
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Creative outlets are often helpful in times of depression. Unfortunately, I have this huge creative block on me that’s really starting to piss me off since that’s what I’m struggling with right now with classes and everything. Eliminating vices from your life can be tough so kudos there. Keep up the great work!
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Ugh, creative blocks are NOT helpful when trying to process things – or even trying to just get things done! For a blog you can tell someone to relax, take a break if they need to, but that’s a little harder with classes.
Thanks for the congrats – it wasn’t an easy thing to do, no. And I hope your block goes away soon!
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Nice to see that things have gotten better for you. In the moment there often feels like there is no hope, and even if you wanted to, depression tells you that there is nothing to look forward to. Thank you for sharing, I am sure these words will give some light to those who struggle.
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Thank you for the comment. Things are much better now, but I remember very well when they weren’t. I do hope it can help someone, in some way.
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