LFGryph

I see a lot of debate online about what constitutes a hyperfixation, what the true definition is, and whether it’s proven to be linked to ADHD or not. I think these conversations are valid, and likely important – but for today I’m just using the term in the way it’s used in my circles. Being completely preoccupied with, distracted by, and feeling deeply about an idea, a subject, or an activity. Like, to the exclusion of everything else. Generally not strictly by choice, either.

This post is going to be about how I experience hyperfixations in my own life and headspace, not about universally defining them. If you experience them differently I’m not here to argue!

When I was younger, and before I was diagnosed, I knew sometimes I’d develop an interest that struck others as way out of proportion. Sometimes I thought I was weird. Sometimes I thought everyone else was weird for not seeing what I saw in the topic. Mostly I was hesitant to talk about my hyperfixations (I did not know that word then) because I realized I always came off as “too much,” when I did.

Friends and family were confused, wondering why I was suddenly so passionate about the topic. Sometimes they would make worried comments about the extent of my interest. The impression I got overall was I probably shouldn’t be like that. It made people uncomfortable and concerned.

As an adult, and post ADHD diagnosis, it makes more sense to me. Sometimes out of nowhere, something will ping my brain with all the good chemicals. Because my brain doesn’t really do those chemicals well, it wants more of them and devotes more interest to whatever is making it go brrrrrr.

I don’t think I’m dangerously obsessed or having issues knowing what’s real or trying to fill a deep hole in my life. My brain is getting the good chemicals and wanting to get more. Because of course it wants more.

I mean, I like to think I have good taste and the topics would interest me anyway. But the part where I actually hyperfixate and start “being all weird about it?” That’s just how my brain works.

For Good Omens Season 2 specifically, I suspect this was further fed by having a lot of emotions going on about the Season 2 ending. (I’ve read the book more than once already, and I loved Season 1 without getting hyperfixated.) I was not immediately happy with how it wrapped up, it did not fill me with joyous thoughts and feelings. But it did cause a strong emotional reaction. It piqued my interest and my emotions. And my brain said, “Yes, please, more of that!”

My hyperfixations aren’t often with media, at least not in a very long time. When I was a kid I was like that about Watership Down – I brought my paperback copy with me EVERYWHERE. I read R. M. Lockley’s book on rabbits. I mentally created my own character insert and imagined every night how she would fit into their world. I think that’s also around when I decided I needed a pet rabbit.

I was also like that with the Redwall series. I memorized some of the poetry just because it felt good to have those pieces firmly in my head. I had another purely in-my-own-head character I mentally inserted into storylines. I organized my books by when they happened in-universe rather than by publication date.

And as a teen, I got like that about The X-files. I bought ALL the behind the scenes books, folks. All of them I could get my hands on. I joined the fan club. I wrote my only ever piece of fanfic. (No, you can’t read it and no, nothing remotely interesting or exciting happened in it, lol.) I went online and read fanfic from others. I got trading cards at one point and I slept with them under my pillow.

Interestingly, well interesting to me at least, it’s almost never that I have a crush on a particular character. Usually it’s not even about shipping characters. It’s just my brain decides it loves the world and story and wants to think about it a lot. Like, A LOT.

(Note: I am positive you can be super into something, read the fanfic, etc. without being hyperfixated. Just for myself, I recognize now that at points in my life I was hyperfixating.)

I have very much enjoyed various media in the intervening years, don’t get me wrong! But I go on and off with hyperfixations on activities more often now, I think. Or learning a new topic. (Which can be super useful! I hyperfixated on learning more about TNR a while back and that actually applies to my job!) Not so often with media anymore, even very good stories.

I was close to hyperfixating on The Secret World/Secret World Legends. Perhaps I was a bit, just not to the same degree as when I was a kid or teen. I was super into SCPs for a while, and I had a week or two when all I wanted to do was watch Backrooms videos. But these were light hyperfixations, for lack of a better phrase. “This is the thing I want to watch when I watch things,” rather than, “This is the only thing my brain particularly wants to think about.”

The way Good Omens Season 2 hit me has been like those Younger Me hyperfixations, not the gentler adult ones. It’s been out for a couple weeks and I think I’ve put either season on every day at some point, or had the audiobook going. I legitimately am listening to the Spotify playlists and dropping by tumblr on the regular. (My interest in mystery theories did not last, more just the “I want to connect with the thing that my brain wants to hear more about.”)

In the past, this is where I would make some self deprecating comment about, “Lol, I’m being obsessive.” Or rush to assure everyone I’m ok. Or wonder why I have to be so weird about this, why can’t I just be normal?

Understanding my brain better now – I don’t need to reassure anyone. And I know I am actually fine. I’m not about to lose track of reality and I’m not doing anything that’s going to hurt me. My brain has found a dopamine firehose to drink from, and that’s fine.

It’s slightly annoying that my other interests are often taking a backseat. (It’s not on purpose. Brain says, “Good chemicals come from This Thing Right Now.”) But hell, my hobbies are supposed to be fun. So if this is the thing that’s fun right now, that’s also fine. There are no hobby police to tell me I am having hobbies the wrong way.

I also understand not everyone is having a near-religious (lol) experience with the show right now. Not because it’s a bad show, but because most people are either enjoying or not enjoying it to a more or less “normal” degree. They’re not missing a deeper meaning. Their brains just haven’t latched on like mine decided to.

This is also fine. At least these days I have access to online groups that want to have conversations about Good Omens or TNRing cats instead of forcing my friends and family to listen to it 24/7.

Don’t I get bored watching the same thing over and over?

Well, normally yes. Normally I’m lucky to get through an entire season of a show once, even one I very much enjoy. But hyperfixating on something changes that, at least until my brain decides it’s done. I notice with things I hyperfixate on, I feel a desire to almost memorize them. It’s as if part of me wants to be able to experience the story even if I can’t read/watch/listen to it.

Looking back over this post, I’m not entirely sure how many people are going to be interested in how my brain works and it probably comes off truly bizarre to folks who don’t experience hyperfixations. But that’s also ok. I set myself a goal to get into the topic at least a bit during Blaugust and I followed through.

Even if it does come off strangely to others, I kind of like that my brain can do this. It almost feels like New Relationship Energy, when you just want to Be Around someone all the time. It’d be cool if I had more say in what it hyperfixates on and when, but I’ll take it.

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