This one isn’t going to be about games, and I’m ok with folks not reading. This is going to get into my life, some of my history with depression/anxiety, and why today I have things on my mind that preclude talking about gaming.
A year ago today, I was in a horrendously bad place. I don’t know how to convey that without getting into too much detail, except to say that my lifelong depression/anxiety issues had been dogging me hard for about five years. I had tried and failed to either get over or forgive myself for having been in an incredibly insane, incredibly toxic pseudo-relationship. (A story that ends, “…and then he went to prison.”) I knew I was all burnt out on retail, but I didn’t know exactly what to DO with that information, especially after failing to be hired on permanently for a factory job that seemed like it might suit for a while. I was unemployed, and self medicating with Mountain Dew, cigarettes, and mixed drinks. I’d long ago reached a point where I literally could not see how things could ever get better. At some point while trying to do the right thing, I’d clearly wandered down a pretty crappy path of no return.
A year ago today, I decided to try something different, just for a while. I would join an online support forum, drop my trio of crutches, and see if I really did have anything left in me or not. I started walking, and exercising, and trying to eat vaguely healthy food. Eventually, I started writing regularly for the first time in years. The experiment for a month or so turned into a full life reboot.
I’m in a much better place now. I have a soda every couple of months, but have left my other vices behind. I got a job that suits me better than retail ever did, and got back on medication that actually helps with my issues instead of helping me hide from them. As Blaugust shows, I got past my initial fear of writing again enough to keep plugging away at it. I feel happy most days, and the days that aren’t so great don’t hit as hard.
This blog is about gaming, not so much about my life. But when I look at myself now, I wish I could tell Past Me how much better things could be, how much better things WOULD be. People say that pretty often, and I know it doesn’t always help. Still, anyone reading this who’s hurting, no matter how sure you are that things will never be ok again, sometimes they really do get better. A lot can change in a year, or a month, or even a week; but you’ll only know if you hold on, and try, even when it seems pointless.
Game content again tomorrow, I promise!